Closing up week two of my deactivated-life…well, to be honest, I only deactivated Twitter and Instagram because those two places cause me the most inner strife. I still have Snap. Snap seems significantly more innocuous to me and for my personality type. *shrugs*
It’s funny to think about how often I Tweeted something, multiple times a day; pictures on Insta? Just as often. Yet, once I deactivated both mediums, I had nothing to share. Literally. Two weeks ago I mentioned that maybe I’d do a weekly video, cataloging and sharing my thoughts, and…in 14 days, I’ve had maybe *squinches face trying to recall* like, four thoughts that I’d want to share… and maybe a few more images than four, but still. It begs the question…
As an overview of my inner health, it’s very stable. I feel less pulled in so many directions. What’s funny is that each direction I was being pulled in was pointless. Why stay on a medium for communication that causes one to remember what was and have pain over the losses? Why stay on a platform that presents picture-perfect ever time you scroll? Is that what is necessary right now? The endless pursuit of “look how much I’m killing it!”? Happy shiny marriages. Happy shiny kids. Happy shiny food. Happy shiny runs. Happy shiny outings in the woods and mountains. Happy shiny glowy people perpetually celebrating perfection. And even if I know these images and status updates are merely the tip of the ice-berg, even if I know others hurt and have struggles as I do, the brain doesn’t actually know it’s all fake and momentary; this is why you cultivate so much inner struggle and strife when presented with so much perfection. It’s also why you may struggle it caustic and toxic conflict on these same platforms, because even if you know you are typing and you are in your own home, your brain doesn’t care…it’s there, thus so are you.
I think these platforms are growing worse, tbh. That makes sense, though. Our world is on fire, so why not double down on hyper positivity, saccharine optimism, and sparkly auto-mythology. I blame no one and do not through accusations in any particular direction. Not only is it human to do such things because it’s part of surviving tumult and chaos and despair is a scary option sometimes, but also because I’ve done this thing. I’ve grabbed various brushes and paints and have artistically fashioned an perfect image worthy of awards. However, I’m not sure that’s really helping anymore.
I think we need way more honesty if we are going to make it through these traumatic-twenties in one piece. And I’m *not* saying create a fake twitter or insta; please, even those aren’t “authentic” as they intend to be. What I’m saying is sometimes honesty starts with being silent. Stop talking. Stop posting. Stop cultivating a brand, an image, a platform…just be silent. Be with yourself. As I confessed at the beginning, it’s amazing how little there is to show off when no one will see it.
I think some of our coping mechanisms may have moved from the helpful category to the hindering category. For me, those social medium mechs just kept dropping me into a gutter of inner-sludge I just didn’t like and it was preventing me from surviving and keeping me far from thriving. Do what you need to, just be honest with what is helping and what isn’t right now. I’d like to see all of you make it through this very very very very long March 2020.
With that said, here are few things from the past few weeks I’d like to share…I think there are like a handful of you whofollow this blog, so, this is for you…
- I had the privilege of speaking at a local vigil held by Black Citizens and Friends (Fb: @blackcitizensandfriends) last Wednesday (5/25). Here is a recording of that vigil, I appear at (around) minute 26: https://fb.watch/drfeg-nBYs/
- Also on Wednesday 5/25, our little church (Fb: @nativitygj) held a morning prayer service adapted from the evening prayer service we just created for mourning and loss to spend time gathered to hold space to honor the many lives lost to gun violence recently (Buffalo and Ulvade and so many many many others). The link for that video is here: https://fb.watch/drfqNP_1tF/
- We did get out for Memorial Day weekend (Sunday 5/29) and headed to Kannah Creek for a hike and a picnic. However, that picnic was VERY rained out…nonetheless we snuck in a 90 minute hike. Here are some images from that excursion:
4. The kids and I helped out a Mutual Aid with The Caravan on Tuesday:
6. My herb garden is in (I moved it out of the garden into the back yard where bushes used to be). Pictures later.
7. I’m working diligently on chapter 3 of my dissertation. Fun stuff. Maybe I’ll give a teaser of that later…
I hope you are well. You are loved. You are beautiful. You are surviving and that is wonderful. Hang in there, you are not alone.